Please help, I have no sense of self.
I mean, I just don't see the point, you know ...
I know. It's just for DVD.
Why do people buy DVDs anyway?
Don't these people have lives? What's wrong with them?
I know, I know ...
Can I have some tomato soup?
No problem. Soup for the artist. Please, tomato.
And a vivarium ...
Dylan, thanks very much for doing this.
First question. Where do you get your ideas from?
OK. Now, you've worked with some famous actors in your time,
have you got any funny stories or anecdotes?
Wh... Do you prefer writing or acting?
Hello, thank you. Hello, hello.
Yes, yes, thank you.
Wait! Wait!
Fucking thing!
Help!
Oh no!
Machines ...
Jesus Christ! I mean, what is the point?
And it's too hot ...
I'm leaving ...
Now! OK.
So hello and thank you very much for coming, Dublin.
There are so many things you can do here now.
You didn't have to come out at all, you know, because it's not like...
Not like when I lived here, you know, with the horizontal rain
and 55 guys around one half-pint of grog (???) and all fighting over crisps.
You know, about then people all styled their hair with buttermilk,
and there was four ??? yellow piano pub key ??? teeth between the family. And then...
it's all transformed after 18 000 million years of that.
Suddenly it's become a kind of mesh of Barcelona and Miami.
Everybody's going out with somebody called Fugovia ...
And you know it's a sign of a country thriving
and of a city being very successful when you can't afford to live there.
people say: "Yes, I've got a very easy commute,
I live in the air in Ireland ???
"No problem. We live in a tree, yeah
"It's only 400,000 euros, but ..."
I don't envy all that, I'm glad I don't have to deal with that.
But you know, when ...
Oh, hello and everything, by the way
I don't spend a huge amount of time on that,
because I find, you know, it is one of the ...
it's one of the portals of conversation people got very very freaked out about.
Because you can use "Hello", and then after that you're on your own, really ...
People get scared after they go ??? "hello" ...
"Do you want a pineapple?"
They don't know what to do next.
So I just kind of skipped it.
What was I going to say?
Quickly, quickly, I can't remember. I can't do everything around here.
Oh, no, no ... oh no.
I mean there's smoking, the anti-smoking
and all these things, you know, people get pissed off about them and so on.
You asked me about it.
You know, you get used to all those things eventually.
It's very very trivial ???.
I got used to these herbal cigarettes ...
It's no big deal about it ...
It's new improved herbal cigarettes.
??? an amazing replica of the old ones I used to smoke.
No, don't clap! It's too sad,
It shouldn't be an act of any kind of, you know, social disobedience to light a cigarette.
Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.
It shouldn't be a big deal.
It's... ??? outlaw all this stuff. it's incredible ???.
It's not going to work.
I know in a couple of years what will happen is that
all the government inspectors will all be found dead in ditches covered in cigarette burns,
that's what's going to happen...
People enjoy what's bad for them.
They always have, you know.
Nobody rings up "Abra-kebabra" or any
burger house at 4 in the morning and says:
"Have you got any salad?
"I want a radish. I just know I need one.
"Heroin does that to you."
I kind of have limited sympathy with people who get messed up by heroin
because you would think by now some of them would have heard something bad about it, you know.
People might say "Yeah, it's very ???, but it can give you a bit of a gippy tummy, you know."
And I don't bother with drugs myself, you know,
I'm at that age now, I don't need to.
If I want a rush, I just get out of a chair when I don't expect it.
Forget to give yourself a couple of days notice before you tie your shoes, whoosh!
What a rush!
You know, you do. You like the things that are bad. Everybody does.
People go a bit mad, I think, in the city especially, you know,
because it gets very stressful.
People flight ??? the traffic, and ??? people flying around.
You know, people go strange. They go for all sorts of weird things and ???.
you know, the gym and yoga
and all those highly carcinogenic activities that will catch up with you in the end.
Or even thos really moronic little books, you know, you get,
"How to release the Inner You" or
"Find the 95 habits of totally effective tossabouts ??? you don't want to talk to in the first place"
or "Release your potential," that's another one.
That's a very very dangerous idea.
You should stay away from your potential.
I mean that is something you should leave absolutely alone!
You'll mess it up!
It's potential. Leave it!
And anyway, it's like your bank balance, you know - you always have a lot less than you think.
If you don't look at it, you don't know. ????
Leave it as a kind of a locked door within yourself.
And that's how it should be. Because then at least in your mind,
The interior will always be palatial, you know.
Wonderful gleaming marble floors,
brocaded drapes,
Mullioned windows, covered in mullions, whatever they are.
Flamingos serving drinks.
Pianos shooting out canapes into the mouths of elegant men and women
who are exchanging witticisms...
"Yes, this reminds me of the time I was in Budapest with Binky ...
"We were trying to steal a goose from the casino, ha ha"
Wham! A vol-au-vent!
Don't open the door.
Because it won't be like that.
All you're going to see will be one tiny gray starveling little cat with diarrhea
sitting on a mattressless iron sprung bed
with its huge eyes meowing at you.
And smoking ??? probably ...
as an emphysematic landlady untangles her popsocks in the background.
And some terrible guy in a color of aubergine mans the corner holding a mug of beef tea
wearing a string vest, and says...
That's your potential!
But look at the people who use it, who do actually give it everything, you know.
The great athletes, you know, the Beckhams, or Roy Keanes of this world,
People charging!
Running up and down the field, swearing and shouting at each other.
Are they happy? No!
They're destroying themselves!
Who's happy? You! The fat fucks watching them
With a beer can,
balanced on your 9th belly,
roaring advice at the best athletes in the world.
"YOU WANKER!"
It's not good to make you happy ...
It'll depress you when you find how little you've got, you know.
You don't want to find out that the most you could possibly achieve,
if you gave it your all, if you harvested every screed of energy within you,
and devoted yourself to improving yourself,
that all you would get to, would be maybe eating less cheesy snacks.
Nobody needs to know this.
I know those people who do try and improve themselves, you know.
They are very unimaginative, the people who go to the gym in pursuit of their ideal body and so on.
lifting all the machines, and ??? dangerous ???.
And you shouldn't be in there. Nobody should be in there.
They're in pursuit of their ideal body, but all they come out with
is something that a bit harder, and firmer, and more tucked, you know, that's boring.
I mean, the word here, the keyword is "ideal" ...
You can have anything.
My ideal body, you know, would be just probably something like ...
One eye, you probably only need one.
A kind of sucker thing instead of teeth,
because they just give you grief in the end, you know.
And a long, long tube with my arse way over there
so I don't have to deal with it.
That would be ideal.
(Ashtrays are illegal as well, and ...)
People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know…
I don't know. What's the root of that, you know?
Maybe they want more love or attention, or what it is,
but they always go for the most obvious place,
Here... Well if you really want more attention, why not get them in your eyes?
And then move you eyes down to where you nipples used to be,
put you breasts up on your head, EVERYBODY will pay attention!
And looking after yourself is kind of dull,
you know, the things you are supposed to eat, the sprouting things that grow at you.
Nobody wants that stuff.
You can't get it off. You bake ??? quickly enough 'cause it keeps reproducing.
You do have to make some concessions, you know, as you get older.
I mean, I am a vegetarian, you know, for instance.
I'm not hardcore.
You know, I eat a lot of meat,
but that's only because I like the taste.
So, morally, I win as far as I'm concerned.
I don't mess around, you know.
A lot of people think, "Maybe I should just eat fish, you know,
Or be vegan. Totally cut everything out, you know.
I just ??? eat things with faces. That's all I want.
Give me the face, cut it off.
Throw the rest away, flash fry the face.
I like to interact with my food.
And you always win the staring competitions if you eat the eyes.
Even that ...
has become something that's much harder to enjoy,
Just eating.
Because it's been fetishized by this idea of lifestyle.
The cookery programmes that everybody watches are ridiculous, and so are the house programmes.
You know you do not need a fish tank in the atrium you haven't got.
And people ???? they feel under pressure to perform in their lives.
You know, who has the time, though?
Who really has the time to skin the baby rabbit
and dip it in the duck's tears
and nail it to the garden roof
and get to work with the blow torch so it has just the right texture
that matches the tomatoes you squashed that morning using just your elbows.
Who has the time?
Nobody lives like this!
We go around thinking that everybody else does, you know?
Because what happens is you come in from work,
and you think... maybe at most, if you're getting very adventurous, you will think
"TONIGHT, we will eat something that has two colours in it!"
BUT YOU DON'T!
You end up sitting in front of the television, watching these programmes,
eating bread from the bag,
dipping it in anything runnier than bread,
because there's isn't time!
There is no time for this horse shit!
I know all these people who are lying to you trying to tell you, you know,
that you're a slough ??? boy, you're not living right.
They've done it with wine as well,
they're always trying to tell you what's in it,
and how complicated it is, you know, they say:
"Mm, it's lovely, it's a ...
"Moccasins. It's got a ...
"dental fixture fluid, it's extraordinary.
"Lovely for when you are being chased by the Stasi.
"In a railway tunnel going to meet the monk. "
There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this, OK?
There's the one where you drink it and you go,
"Mmmm, well that's ok, can we get 8 of those please, give us 8 of those."
There's the other one, you know, where you go,
"Ga…bt…Jesus, WHAT is that?"
Very, very occasionally I concede you will hit a subtle one, you know, where you go,
"Ga…ba…ah, actually that's all right, that is. It's quite nice."
There's not really anything more to it than that.
And people do... need...
things that are bad for them.
They do. Stimulants and so on. They always have.
Every so often, some politician or footballer or actor
or whoever it is is caught in a hotel room, surrounded by hookers and cocaine.
And everybody else goes: "Oh, the shame of it! How could he?
How absolutely dreadful!
I'd never do that...
I've never had a chance, but I'd never ever do that!
Oh, the disgust that courses through me right now
— you could bottle it!"
But...
But what else are you supposed to give hookers in a hotel room?
"Yogurt, anybody? I made some yogurt this morning, would you like some?
It's got Granola and everything. You sure? Go on, have a bit."
Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms.
You can't help it.
It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is
steal everything before you take your coat off.
Bouncing up and down on the bed, wearing the shower cap,
thinking: "What can I do in here?"
I think it's the phone that does it, because it has pictures,
because, you see,
most modern technology doesn't work.
It's supposed to free you, but it's a terrible trap, of course.
You know, mobile phones - everybody has one now.
I have one and they're awful.
They've completely ruined,
I mean, people ring you up and say "Hi, it's me, I'm in the bath!"
and you go "Well, you're still an asshole,
I hope you drown and hello."
And they've completely dispensed with the whole drama of news,
the simple idea of having something to relate, you know.
When you could pound in from the garden and pick up the old Bakelite phone that weighted seven pounds
to say "Mirriam is dead!"
You can't do that anymore.
You're probably there!
"Yes, that's her head rolling back, her spit's coming out, her eyes are going everywhere,
here I'll take a picture.
Do you see what I mean? She's fucked!"
It's the same ...
It's the same with the Internet.
People look at me... and I want to say: "No, I don't use the web.
I don't. I can't ..." Which is true.
And people look at you like you just fell out of a tree, you know.
And they're appalled.
And they say: "Well, why not?
"You can't be up to date."
And I think, "How can I be any more up to date?"
I'm alive now ...
That's very current where I'm from.
I don't even like the bank machines.
You know, those things, the ATMs, you stand there at 1am,
trying to keep it in focus, and it starts asking you questions!
- "You are happy with your mortgage?" - I do not know!
"I'm not sure about this sandwich roll! ???
- "Do you want to check your balance?" - What are you? My mother?
"Where is the button with the picture of the pint? "
A bottle ... That's why it all happens in the hotel room.
You can't help ... There are pictures.
You see the button of the picture of the guy with the plate,
and you push it, AND HE ARRIVES WITH A SANDWICH!
And you think: "Yes, yes, yes,
"I control sandwichmonkey!"
"I live in magic land, magic land, magic land"
It's my Wizard of Oz phone.
Now of course ... you have to watch it, you know.
You can't do it all, it all catches up with you.
This is very strange, though, because you do
sort of measure it by how much it messes you up.
You know, when you're young, you go out, you can do anything you want,
you can drink battery acid all night,
you wake up and have a fight!
And you hangovers aren't so bad then.
They are quite direct, you know, they come in and they're like bailiffs
and they just say, "You've been very very stupid last night. Get up!
- "Get into the kitchen." - Oh, I'm sorry ...
- "Shut up! Get into the kitchen..."
- Oh I can't walk ??? What am I allowed to do?
"Crying, mainly." ???
But when you get a little bit older, it's really evil,
because you wake up and you think you're fired ...
"It's a beautiful day ...
"The birds are swaying, the trees are singing ...
"Beautiful ...
"I might go for a walk later on ...
"Go to the seaside maybe .."
You start to believe your own bullshit.
You think that must have been that sandwich you had on Wednesday.
I know a thing or two about ???.
It lasts ??? until you get about as far as the kitchen door
and all the goblins are just going "Ha ha ha".
You cough and die.
But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up.
You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced.
You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?"
You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see."
"No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body."
Oh!
"I can't even form sentences."
"You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!"
A lot of it depends on how you are poisoning yourself.
The best thing, really, is wine,
I think if it is quite slow released and imaginative ???, you can eat and things and talk to people,
and then after a while somebody would say: "I know ... I know ... I know!"
"Let's Go Potholing!"
"In Croatia!"
And you think, "Fine. I know a guy who can give us a lift..."
"Me!"
It's not like that with beer.
I think beer is actually made probably by food companies, you know.
Just to make people stomp the streets at one in the morning going:
"What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! FRY HER!! FRY HER!"
Vodka is very very deceptive.
Because you're democratized to children now, you know.
To 3-year olds ...
And this is very evil. Because it is a very deceptive drink,
you drink it and you think, "What is this? This is pointless!
It's - you can't taste it, you can't smell it... Why did we waste our money on this, bloody-
Why are we on a traffic island? Why? What?"
And whiskey, you know, people drink a lot of that in Ireland,
it is a very hard drink.
It's very... It turns you into two people, you know,
one of you's very nice, you'll go up to total strangers and say,
"Come in, come in, sit down, for God's sake, have something.
"Have my bed."
And then you'll go up to people you've known and loved all your life and say,
"Get the fuck out of my house!
Go on, get out!
And leave a tip!"
But the most dangerous drink is gin.
You have to be really, really careful with that.
And you also have to be 45, female and sitting on the stairs.
Because gin isn't really a drink, it's more a mascara thinner, you know.
"Nobody likes my shoes!"
"I made... I made fifty... fucking vol-au-vents, and not one of you...
not one of you,
said "Thank you"!
And my favourite: "Everybody, shut up. Shut up!
This song is all about me."
Oh, what fun ...
But ... you know, there are times as well,
when you think it's such a ... it's particularly Irish phenomenon, you know this
we've got ??? people doing it in Britain, in all sort of places,
??? lighthouses, ??? drink, and they ...
You do sometimes think: "You know, I don't have to live like this ...
"I don't have to do it." ???, you know.
Nah, you don't think about it that long ... but ...
Well, it does cross your mind. I mean, it changes
as you get older, I think, because
you can't do all that stuff all the time.
And then you get a little bit older, you know,
and may be you have children
and then you get roughly more responsible, I suppose.
Or more enraged anyway..
and frustrated ??? in your life. And...
'Cause children are very very oversentimentalized, you know. Really.
They are, are they? All the ... stuff.
What are they? And the charities they have, the go on and on and on, you know.
Children who need another biscuit,
children who want their own jeep,
children in need.
When is the last time you saw a child who wasn't in need?
When is the last time a child said to you actually:
"That's enough raspberry tart for me, thanks."
"I'm just going to go and clean the car, OK?"
What are they really ... children?
Midget drunks, that's what they are ...
You know, they're odd people who greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face.
Talking gibberish!
All day ... They can't even walk straight.
You could put them on an infinite radial plain,
they will find the one pebble there and devote their whole day to banging their eye on it.
So you have to drive them to the emergency room
when you're doing something important like sitting down.
They want drunk people's food.
You know, "What are you eating for tea?
"Tiramisu, fried in sugar."
They talk like drunks.
"It's time... it's time for bed ... bed time" - No, no, no!
- Get into the bath. - NO!
- Get out of the bath. - NO!
- Do something that's not mindless violence for 5 seconds, will you? - mmmmNO!
In Britain they passed that law, you know, you're not allowed to ...
physically educate your child any more.
I find it rather sad. I used to bound home from work
to strike my children, but ...
Human touch! ...
There aren't so many different ways you can say to a child:
"Please don't turn the light switch on and off again
You have absolutley NAILED DOWN the principle finding of that experiment;
when you turn it off, daddy can't see ANYTHING.
He stands on your toys trying to find you and kill you...
And breaks his foot!
The children know the power they have there, you know.
You are morally obliged to stop whatever you are doing at that point,
go over and have an "encounter". Because ...
Otherwise, they just won't know.
I do not think children are the same now.
They are not like the ones I remember from growing up, you know.
Being at parties, you do all childish things, running around, bleeding and ...
Torturing the weakest member of the group ...
Simple childish ??? games. It's not like that anymore.
I went to a birthday party recently of a young person who were ??? about 10
and they were all slumped on the lawn like dead bumblebees ...
drinking latte ...
They were all disaffected. Like Berlin in 1929.
What's going on?
I went up to one boy, I said: "What's the matter here?"
He said: "Oh, I have a migraine."
What?
You're 10, you can get drowned or electrocuted,
you can't have a fucking migraine.
And the birthday girl, I asked her: "Why isn't anybody playing?"
And she said: "Oh, it's all these parties ...
"You do your hair, you put your frock on. Nobody talks to the real you ...
"Get me a martini, would you? "
Maybe ... maybe it's just sophistication, you know.
Precociousness. They are more precocious.
Another... friend's child, you know,
the fridge drawings, you have to look at them.
I did! And I said... you know, trying to be nice
I said: "Oh, it's very nice. Is that mommy and a baby?"
And she said: "No, that's a skeleton breastfeeding a priest. "
- "Do you know Goya?"
- No, I don't. Sorry ...
It's a terrible moment
when your own child turns around to you and says: "Daddy, is this organic?"
"Excuse me?"
I grew up on Angel Delight!
It was the main course.
We didn't get food in our house unless it was neon!
It took three seconds to prepare.
So my parents could carry on with their lives.
Their parties ...
If I ever meet ??? Brooks I'm going to kick her to death.
I mean I'm jealous, hugely jealous
of my parents' generation.
They got everything right, you know. Those people who became couples then.
And couples, that's another thing ...
you don't... nobody tells you this that you get couples as friends
at a certain age. Because of children.
You know, your child decides they want to play with another child,
so you have to meet the owner.
And have ??? round to you place to eat your stuff!
Or go to their place, where you can't relax
because it is always bigger and nicer and cleaner.
You're standing there in the bathroom thinking: I can't relax here,
These people have no pubic hair anywhere.
We have pubic hair on the ceiling.
And they're so incredibly competitive, you know.
All this shi... stuff when you arrive:
"This is the hall, this is the kitchen, this is the living room. "
I know ...
This is our smeg fridge, the whole house is made of smeg,
- we're made of smeg, aren't we, Roy? - Yes, dear. "
"Julie is very happy in the local school, in the little grove,
"In the little arcade there, a little paradise ??? school.
Multi-dominational ??? of course
"Rastafarianism, non-zen, ??? they are all there ...
"18 teachers to a child, each one with their own laptop ...
"Direct access to the Pentagon ..."
I do not need all this competition, all right?
I only came here because you said you had a fucking chicken ...
My parents' generation, you know, the Baby Boomers, the post-war people they had everything!
They had it right, you know.
Because they came to sexual maturity in the 60s,
and the government said to them "What do you want now?"
And they said "Oh, I don't know. How about the Pill?
Could we get the Pill, you know?"
And they said "Sure, there you go."
"So, what else is going on?"
"Music?" "Fine, here's the Beatles, Stones come here later this evening,
there's the Velvet Underground,
Janis Joplin has just gone to lunch.
"So, do you want something to do in between now and then,
"I'd grow my hair and fornicate if I were you."
"If things get slow you can always paint your house brown and orange and discover the avocado ???. "
And then when it was my generation's turn, when it was our call,
we've come to sexual maturity,
and "What's going on? What do we do now?"
"Don't fuck anybody or you die!
Never mind, here comes MC Hammer."
Not exactly a square deal ...
I mean, I have tried...
believe me, I have tried to like rap.
And it makes me feel so very very old ...
I have tried to get home with the downies.
I can't do it!
I understand blues music, you know.
It's wonderful! A story of a people's disenfranchisement.
"I ain't got nothing and they're gonna take that away too ...
"I haven't even got a guitar, I'm ??? my fucking belly button here! "
Wonderful names of all those guys, you know,
"Blind Dead McJones" ...
With rap it's not like that, it's all about what people have got.
About attainment, you know. It's very aggressive.
"I got my pecs, I got limos, I got bitches, my limo's powered by bitch juice,
and all my spare pecs are in the limo."
They never say anything nice.
Ever.
It's always: "I'm gonna fuck you up. I'm gonna dig up your dad,
and shove him up your mum and drink your blood from a drinking cup, you fuck!"
Where's the dignity in that?
What happens to these people when they get old?
I hope there is a retirement home for them,
with some huge burley nurse
going around saying: "It is time for your enema, Eminem ..."
"Leave P.Diddy's biscuits alone, don't do that again. "
It is such an infantile mentality, you know
you go up to any 5-year-old and say, "What do you think of the world?
They'll go, "I think it's rubbish, it's rubbish. Because I can't get the stuff I want when I want it.
"I want a big purple chair and... French fries, and stuff and ??? I want it now!"
That's a rap song ...
Because...
That's what they all think, and these guys get millions of dollars,
for this ... horseshit.
And they immediately go out and spend it all on a floor-length white mink coat,
cheeseburgers and a jet.
I was in this bar a couple of years ago,
I will never forget this.
It was called ... The song came on rather
the bar was terrific, it was empty, you know.
I went in, I had a paper or book with me, I wanted an hour, you know
to sit and be.
And that was wonderful, nothing's nicer than an empty bar.
Then this song came on—I will never forget it—
it was called: "The Funk Soul Brother"
And I will always remember that because it was also all of the lyrics...
it was that school of songwriting, you know,
very easy on the words in case they get wasted,
I don't know what- there's a shortage, and...
it sounded like a million fire engines
chasing ten million ambulances through a war zone and
and was played at a volume that made the empty chair beside me bleed.
And it went, erm, "Funk soul brother..."
"Right about now, yeah.
it's the, it's the funk soul brother... check it out.
"It's Funk soul brother, essentially,
He's, er, he's coming. He's coming at you.
It's the... well... it's the funk soul brother."
And after a while, I began to penetrate the meaning of this song, you know?
I gathered that somebody was about to arrive, and
everybody else was terribly excited - maybe he was bringing cake, or something, they didn't say -
but you see, the thing was, the thing is he wasn't there yet.
Ha ha, that was the hook!
And I'm not saying it's a bad song, you know,
or anything like that.
All I'm saying is that if you get, I don't know, a broom, say,
and dip it in some brake fluid, put the other end up my arse, and
stick me on a trampoline in a moving lift,
and I would write a better song on the walls. That's all I'm saying.
I have tried, you know, but I can't help it because I ...
I remember when singers were singers,
Ugly people.
You know, Aretha Franklin needed a lot of room to eat her chicken wings.
Janis Joplin used to come out in clothes woven from her own vomit.
Nina Simone, amazing singer, could look at a railway track and buckle it.
It didn't matter;
They were beautiful people because of what they could do.
Now they have these pop tarts pumped out by some producing machine, you know.
Some of them .... they have no talent,
but some of them have body parts that are more famous than them
you know, they get their ass flown in a differen jet to the gig.
But they are nothing. I wonder who they are. They're just... they're not even people.
Just things to occupy thongs.
I just get intimidated by all that, you know.
The youth aspect of it.
I don't even see young people on the street any more when I go out.
I see ...
I see youths.
You know, how they are described in the police radio reports, that's all I actually see.
Slumped S-shapes in their hoods,
beside their harrowed dogs at a bin full of burning grannies.
All texting each other because they've given up on speech.
Like crickets at night.
Plotting something terrible like how to make cider our of blood.
But...
It makes me feel so old. I walk by them,
And I do this thing now, I've started to grab my keys ...
I clutch them as I pass them... ????
and I push the keys between the spaces in my fingers
so that if I do have to hit one of them,
I'll fucking kill him!
In that bar, there was a nice, very nice young lady who served me
She had all the facial jewelry and everything, you know,
???, and nails of Christ ???,
even their clothes intimidate me
her T-shirt said: "Mongoloid Porn Infernal"
And all I could think was, "That sounds like such a busy evening", you know
"How do you get a cab from there? "
Fightening, all very frightening stuff.
And I think, you know... I'm kinda looking forward to being properly old, you know
really, really old.
so that I can lean over in a restaurant with my son or daughter and say:
"You know what I just did? I just pissed myself,
you deal with it,
then carry on telling me about you job or divorce or whatever the fuck it is,
I'm not really listening, to be honest,
which one of you is Siobhan or Simon? I can never tell."
Because old people do that thing, you know, when they talk it can be very annoying
when they forget your name or tell you the same story 50 times.
They don't forget your name. And they know they've told you the same story.
They are enjoying that ...
'Cause they want to see how much you want to inherit the walnut cabinet, that's all.
It's better though to be subjected to that than a lot of adult conversations, you know.
So much of adult conversations are just a bunch of lies!
We spend so much time being polite to people.
Turning up and saying: "Oh, I'm so sorry, so sorry I'm late.
"There was a traffic, traffic, oh, awful,
"And I had to perform a trichotomy on a camel
"Just using a garden shears, it was very, very difficult"
"Very, very sorry. "
Just be honest to these people, come in and say:
"Uh, I knew you were here.
"Do you know where I was? I was at home, I had a bun ...
"And it was delicious, because I knew you were waiting ...
"I've never really liked you.
"But if we have to get through this meeting can I get a drink, please,
"just so I don't ???? too much?"
Or when people break up, they always use a bunch of lines on each other, you know,
terrible rubbish lies, like
"It's not you, it's me."
It's NEVER you, it's always them!
You should level with these people!
Tell them!
"You know that strange sound you used to hear when you were going to sleep?"
"That was me chewing the bed."
"Out of sheer boredom."
"Oh, how I hate you."
"I hate you so much it gives me energy."
"I have to get up early in the morning to hate you,
Because there is not time enough in the day."
"Please GO AWAY!"
Or that other BULLSHIT: "I need more space!"
People never quantify exactly how much space they really need, do they?
But strangely enough, it always seems to be the exact same height, depth and breadth as you.
Anyway, listen, do you know what I think? That's probably the first half, kind of.
I should go away now. And then we'll come back and do more.
It is awfully hot, and you need a drink, don't you? All right.
See you in a minute. Bye.
Sexual positions, which one is your favorite?
a. The Space Cowboy,
b. The blind moose,
c. The suicide porn broke-a-boogie?
I've got "What is the valence of beryllium?"
Do you want to talk about ... Have you got any plans for the future?
OK, so, what were we saying? Ah, yeah ...
Yeah, Iraq ...
I find all that very hard to follow, you know.
I mean, I'm talking about it... I'm not talking about Irish news because I don't know it to be honest.
but from what I remember, you know ...
when I was here, when I was properly Irish,
before I betrayed by leaving ...
the news was always things like:
"We're building a bridge but we don't have any river ...
... to build it over. So it's been canceled, and we're not going in to work any more"
That kind of thing ...
International news is more ...
dramatic somehow, I find, and ...
I'm not very political. I don't understand,
I don't pretend to understand most of it, OK?
I don't even like the people involved.
I think they remind me... the sort of people who are drawn to politics
remind me of the sort of people I used to live with who would leave notes.
In flats, you know?
Like: "We're out of coffee. Don't mean to make a big deal about it,
But it was mine."
"Because it was on my shelf, and it was taken from there."
"So if anybody feels like replacing it at any time that would be OK with me."
Underlined ... Tina.
Or "Please remember to leave the bins out in the bin-leaving-out area,
which is marked: bins"
Tina ...
I used to end up leaving an odd note for Tina myself
"Dear Tina, EVERYBODY hates you ...
"Including people you haven't met yet.
"Your mom called just to say she's so glad she didn't hear from you. "
But you can't be doing that ... ??? terrible politicians say terrible things about one another.
they're always calling each other names. You know, there's that woman that
English minister Ann Widdecombe who said about the leader of the conservative party Michael Howard,
there was "something of the night" about him. Which is a great phrase, actually.
But SHE said it.
which is one of those people whose looks are remarked on, which is totally unfair,
but her voice ...
sounds like a stegosaurus with its ass on fire ...
Or somebody's been drowned over period of months ...
How do you get that many ??? fingernails on one blackboard?
I mean, you can't help it, once you're over the age of 30 you end up watching the news programs, you know,
Newsnight or whatever it is, because
no other experience is going to make you that bored
and angry at the same time ...
Him, I hate him, he comes out every time, and ...
No, no, make him go away ...
Because you can't watch the american news, you know, the CNN or Fox stuff
Because they are just so terrified that you'll get bored and wander off flip channels.
They are so patronizing.
That's why the have the programmes presented by 45 guys;
"Hi I'm Ted, I'm Bob, I'm Ralph, I'm Dick, I'm Dale, I'm Nick, I'm Will",
and they keep changing all the angles of the cameras.
"I'm over here, ??? I'm at this desk, I'm standing here"
"Wendy comes out from under the desk with the financial weather. "
This whole thing is ridiculous.
The only place I think to get the news is BBC Radio 4
a great institution, it's almost too good, though.
Because you get up in the morning, turn it on, you know, at about 7 or 8,
and you can't really find your elbow yet, and then
There's a guy, John Humphries, who does a lot of the interviews,
and he sounds like he's been up since about midnight
jogging on the spot to accuse people you've never heard of of lying.
It's very aggressive right from the off.
You turn it on and he goes:
"DON'T LIE TO ME!! DON'T LIE TO ME!
I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 45 YEARS, WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, A FUCKIN TURNIP?!"
But because it's the BBC,
they mix it up with total whimsy,
so they go from that over to...
"I want to go to Jenni Murray talking to some people who once walked into a haystack and bonded
"and set up their own knitting factory or publishing company"
And then it's back to Andrew Marr, the political editor outside the Houses of Parliament.
Somebody says, "You're there, Andrew, you're standing outside the Houses right now,
standing there in shoes, what's going on?"
He'll say, "Well, a bunch of guys came out, you know ????,
and they accused another bunch of guys of lying,
but then the guys who were accused of lying countered with their own allegations.
And then the original accusers countered with counter-counter accusations,"
"Then a very very old man, we think he's a judge, we're not sure...
"... came out and said ??? the original allegations were in fact true,
"And every subsequent exchange was in fact entirely false,
"But he himself is wanted in 87 different countries for lying...
... to children or people he dug up ??? just to practice lying."
And then, wait, wait,
And then it's back to John Peel:
"Hello, have you ever licked the underside of an ice cube?"
"Well, Norman Worrington did, he was born in a cold bucket in Salisbury,
"Tell us all about it, Norman ..."
"Well, I began to melt my own knees from the age of 5. "
And then it's back to John Humphreys:
"WHERE ARE THE BOMBS? WHERE ARE THEY?!?!.
"Am I a bomb? Is this parrot a bomb?
Get up so I can kick you again, you lying fuck!"
It was very hard to follow that.
And then to continue following what is going on there,
I think a lot of it becomes confusing because of the language use.
You know, euphemisms, like "regime change" What is that exactly?
It sounds, you know, like one of those TV makeover programs
but for the whole country ...
where all the soldiers are going: "Not yet, not yet, wait, wait.
"Wait, wait for it, wait ...
"Just stand over there, wait ..
- "Now ... - Oh, I love it!
"The burning, the murder, it's fantastic!"
"It makes such a change waiting to be tortured ..."
"Oh, we can get that, too. Oh, fantastic! "
And then, you know, there was this enormous wave of anti-Americanism,
when the thing started, and it goes on, you know
mainly in the world.
And sometimes ... wait.
It became ... people, you know, got very worked up about this.
And when they were having the row they were trying to be rational, of course.
They would say: "We are not sure about this war,
"It seems to be cynically motivated,
it seems to be a war of adventure ??? or just a simple act of revenge.
You know, we're not sure, we're not sure.
"And .. and you are fat."
Because that's what happens in a row, everything comes out,
they're all the old grievances, you know.
"You are. You're fat!
"We are not fat like that in Europe,
when we're fat, it is because we have character."
"We're partial to anchovies baked in pigs,
but you, you're just fucking fat!"
"Because you can't stay away from that ??? chocolate ??? ice-cream, can you?"
"You want to take up more space ..."
And I'm ashamed to admit I fell prey to this myself,
for just about a week or so I would find myself going into cafes,
looking for the American to smoke ??? ...
Because you know they'll say something.
I did it for a while, it was no big ... I found this one guy, though,
he was wonderful, I hated him on sight,
because he was eating eggs!
Eggs!
I ask you! They're not even a food!
They belong in no group!
They're just farts clothed in substance!
So I inserted ??? at breakfast and lit it.
And he looked over like I knew he would and said:
"Excuse me, are you gonna smoke that?"
And I said: "Uh ... yeah.
"But I'm not going to enjoy it,
"I'm only using it to light the next one! "
The americans in turn responded with a fairly anti-European sentiment, you know,
particularly against the French.
Donald Rumsfeld is one of their, you know ...
faces of the administration said that he didn't want to deal with the old Europe,
he was far more interested in new Europe,
Now, he was talking about when France and Germany voted against the war.
So he wasn't interested in Old Europe, ???? it was too ancient civilizations,
he was interested in New Europe. And when he said New Europe
he meant places like Skruvovia, Vulvonia, Dzuvovia ...
places where tractors are ministers,
and people sit down to a dinner of boiled radiators.
Places that are not that swish, really,
who are going to do whatever America says,
because they're hoping one day to see a photograph of a pot of jam ...
But in particular they are very very anti-French, you know,
they build on this whole image of the weak...
"cheese-eating surrender monkeys" was the phrase.
But it's kind of good, you know...
But that ??? entirely ??? into this image of the weak, sensual, pleasure-loving French.
You know, not going to war because they're all still in bed at two in the afternoon,
with the sheets coiled about their knees,
lying there scratching themselves,
smoking a Gauloise inside a Gitane,
sweating Nice sancerre.
Before one of them sloughs off the sheets to pad around the kitchen naked.
No, not naked, naked from the waist down.
To emphasize their nakidity.
Picking up yesterday's croissant crumbs with their sweaty feet.
Slashing yesterday's paintings.
"What was I thinking?
"This is fucking rubbish!
"My god!
"I can't believe it ??? I 'ate my paintings, I 'ate them!
"I 'ate your paintings too!
- "You 'ate my paintings? - No, I hate them!
"why do we have to speak fucking English?
"Your work is so derivative."
"because you copy mine, and mine is shit to begin with!"
"I'm so bored in this atelier!
"Stop it! Stop slashing things!
"Get something for breakfast, I'm starving!"
"There is nothing, we have nothing. We are poor!"
"Let's make love again instead of eating."
"No, the things you do to me ..."
"I'm so sore ...
"Even my toenails hurt ... Leave me alone!"
"Come on, you know you want it"
"No. Get me something to eat before I die!
"There's nothing here, I've told you, except chocolate bread."
"Where are you from exactly, by the way?"
"I don't know. I'm Euro-trash. Shut up! "
Chocolate bread - that's how they start the day ...
it's only going to escalate from there, isn't it?
by lunchtime you're fucking everybody you know ...
I was in Paris recently, they are very good at pleasure,
I was walking by a bakery—a boulangerie, which is fun to go into and to say, even—
and I went in, a childish desire to get a cake—
you know, "Give me one of those chocolate guys," I said—
and I was talking to somebody on the street, ????, I was talking to somebody,
took a bite... I had to tell them to go away!
This thing! I wanted to book a room with it!
"Where are you from, what kind of music are you into? Come on!"
Proper, serious pleasure.
Because they know they're gonna die.
Nobody goes to church.
We're gonna die, make a fucking nice cake.
??? really maddening things about the war is how religion is dragged in, you know.
I respect all the differences between the major religions, you know,
and the minor ones, too ???
I've never.... I had my own religious crisis a couple of years ago
I was in a hotel room ... I do not want to tell you this, but I'll tell you,
I was in a hotel room very very drunk, and eating a chocolate Jesus,
and the telephone rang as I was trying to pick between religions, you know
Protestantism, Protestantinininism, Protestanatinism ...
C of E, Church of England, I've never really been that attracted to it,
because it seems to be mainly based on tea.
Catholicism already has much more drama built-in, you know,
there's robes, and a guy, and candles, and weird lighting, and a child, and wine.
Stuff's gonna hapen.
Speaking as one of the few of my peer group, you know, who wasn't abused ...
I used to think there was something wrong with me!
I turned up at school in hot pants ...
And then there are all Eastern religions that people are discovering more and more now,
you know, like Zen and so on ...
which I've always found hard to penetrate, you know, the stories are very dense.
Parables are fairly gnomic ...
You know, it says: "Two monks are walking over a bridge
and one of them says... cherry blossoms are falling all around them,
"And one of them says: "You know, I'm very thirsty ... "
"And the other one says: "Yes, but I'm quite tall ..."
What ... ?
Did I miss anything ??? ?
So I respect all the differences, you know,
but I would say that if you believe in any of it you're a moron, because...
The thing is, to me, it's really is just people talking about their imaginary friend ...
at length ... Somebody who is not there ...
- "Have you met Cedric? - No, I haven't. I never really... "
I don't mind that, whatever gets you off, you know.
But some of them are world leaders...
which still gives you ??? , you know. People turn up to work,
and everybody ??? crowds around and say:
"What are we going to do, sir? There is a crisis, there's gonna be all sorts of ramifications
unless we deal with this immediately, what are we going to do?"
"That's fine, no problem, give me a moment, I'll be right back. "
Opened the briefcase: "What are we going to do? What are we going to do?"
"I don't know! What do you want to do?
" ??? what do you have to do?
"Kill them all. That's fine. ???"
You know, if you're in a Catholic country, you grow up with all the iconography,
all the images of Jesus, you know, and the whole crew and ...
You know, all those paintings where people are pointing all the time,
they always ??? seem to want something outside of the picture ...
Or accusing each other ... "???? ..."
Very sensitive people ??? ...
And the station of the cross ???, you know
after years and years and years of seeing all these ??? images are emblazed on your mind,
you're never going to forget those, you know,
Jesus on his way buying the nails,
stopping for a shave, you know,
??? paying bills before he goes and everything ...
You're never going to forget it.
They say that Jesus speaks to you. He did speak to me as a child,
and all he ever said was: "Ouch! Stop it!"
Carrying the vinegar and everything: "Go away!"
It's prejudiced, of course, speaking. But I'm a very prejudiced person.
Prejudices. People worry about it nowadays, I don't.
I think you need it. It reminds you who you are.
I have prejudices about gay people, I think. If somebody says to me:
"I've got gay friends." and all that, but if somebody says to me,
"Oh, I went out to dinner and everybody else was gay."
I'd think: "Yeah, big deal."
But I will also immediately get loads of images in my mind
of loads of tall guys with flappy fringes carving thin slices of swan.
Bursting into tears because the pudding looks so beautiful...
I can't help that, and I don't care ...
But in the...
I mean, I didn't even know about gay people for a long time when I was growing up, you know.
Older, much older than I should have been because ???? again, it was euphemisms.
It was one of those houses. You know, I ??? growing up in a musical family,
because people would making noises instead of talking about something.
"Well, you heard about Mary and John and the Ding Dong ... ? "
"Apparently it's all ???? a bit ??? ..."
And sometimes, they would employ phrase, if... you know, for something specific,
if you can imagine the idea of somebody being gay,
they would have a phrase, but it would always be pretty unhelpful,
something you'd never heard of before, you know.
"Well, you know what they say about John, anyway?"
"Well, no I don't. Wh—what do they say?"
"Well, apparently, you know, he's, uh, he's, you know, he's—
Oh yeah.
"I'm sorry, what are you talking about?"
I don't ... what?
"Well, you know, if I have to spell it out, apparently he's, you know,
still picking up twigs in the springtime.
"Oh yes ...
one of Yul Brynner's hairdressers.
Likes his toast done on three sides, yes."
"What are you talking about?"
Because all that... language can be amazingly confusing.
Again, in the military they use them all the time.
All the regiments have their own mottos, you know.
The most famous one being that of SAS:
"Death before dishonor"
"Death before dishonor."
I always used to wonder,
Hey, exactly how much dishonour are we talking about here?
'Cause I can handle quite a lot.
I would, for instance, fellate a Smurf
before I picked death.
I'd cook him a little Smurf omelette
as I was doing it, you know, I'd be very happy to do that.
Season it with thyme and everything, I wouldn't mind ...
listening to his happy satisfied Smurf lip smacks.
But every man thinks about Smurfs.
They don't say it, but they do.
That's why I'm here—to be honest.
Just once, you know, what would it be like?
Nobody needs to know, you go away for the weekend.
Just once, to have the blue salty bulb lolling on your tongue...
if I don't say it, nobody else will.
And Jesus must have been very annoying as a person, I always thought.
You know, to be around him ... always talking in parables,
even when you're in a hurry.
"Jesus, do you want a quick one, they're just about to shut the bar, quick half ???
"Quick? A bottle? ???? quick ...
"There was a fox cooking eggs ...
"On a speedboat ...
... so he died." - Oh, not again.
"Just once, please,
tell me something ... "
Anyway, all that aside I don't really ...
... pay very much attention to it any more.
People...
People ... ??? the reason you are prejudiced, the reason anybody is prejudiced is because...
... you know, other people don't agree with you all the time.
And that's where the fault lies ...
Because then you get into arguments,
and I do not like arguments, men don't like arguments at all.
That's why there are more men in the army anyway
because women might have an argument and they might be louder,
there might be more crying, there might be more of a scene,
but they will work through whatever needs to be worked through,
whereas men avoid confrontation, they go: "I can't, he's going to come in, it's going to be me-me-me..."
And it's amazing in America ???? you see the photos of, you know, the snipers,
the people that go nuts and start shooting people,
they go: "He's got a gun, and he's shooting people,
it's amazing, it's incredible, it's awful,
it's terrible, how did this happen? "
Well, you all have guns.
And they do have a limited range of household applications ...
unlike, say, Californian wine
which you can use to clean submarines ...
So I'm not into violence ???, I am not good at violence.
You know, I think, politically, if anything, I'm probably liberal.
Because I'm frightened of everybody!
I was in a bar in London, a couple of years ago,
it was summer, it was incredibly hot, like tonight, and...
I was sitting outside, and this woman came out.
It was an attractive woman, she came out, and ...
She was attractive in the way that other women would have said of her:
"Well, she is attractive in an obvious way. "
Interestingly, a lot of the women who say that about other women
tend to have hidden their own attraction so well ...
that you do feel like throwing them a bread roll ...
But anyway ...
This young vital person
came out, and I found myself looking at her.
I thought: "You're lovely, you're really lovely, lovely human being ... "
And I said ??? , "Don't stare, don't stare, that's rude.
But I couldn't help it, I looked back.
And as I did, her boyfriend walked out,
who happened to be a very very tall, black, and extraordinarily handsome.
An amazing looking man, wonderful rangy stride,
chiseled features, sort of sea green eyes,
and a thousand yard step ???.
An extraordinary person, you know.
I couldn't take my eyes off him.
I've completely forgotten about her.
And then I became aware again, ??? I thought:
"Christ, don't stare, it's rude, they will think you're staring
because they are a mixed race couple or something. No, don't, don't, don't! "
I looked away, I looked at the other side of the street,
and as I did, this is all true, a skinhead was walking towards me.
A proper one as well. One of the old school skinheads, you know,
who you don't see anymore. They're like hunchbacks.
Where did all those people go? I think there is an island somewhere but ...
He's one of the real ones, you know. People who make all the major decisions with their neck.
With tattoos on his teeth ...
"Oh fuck, he's going to hit me just for being alive ...
"I can't look there ... I can't look anywhere!
And I thought, "Oh, no! He'll walk by and he'll say something dreadful to these people,
"And I hate this situation, it's going to be awful, oh no, no, no! "
He did catch up, they all started chatting, they were friends, they knew each other,
and I overheard one of them say: "I hope that drunk doesn't go mental."
There is a lot of fear out ...
And I had my own thing with some skinheads a few years ago, you know, I was
again in London, and these three guys they go around in groups, you know,
because they have a lot of highly classified information to convey to one another.
One of them bumped into me, very deliberately, shouldered me,
and I'm a rational person. Usually, you know, in that situation, I'd think like you
"I'll go home, I'll have a cup of tea,
"And think about what I would have done to this person...
... had he been tied up."
But I was too tired and pissed off,
and I just stood there, and looked,
and they came back.
We had a chat.
The main whing they wanted to know is how I proposed ??? to continue breathing
for the next couple of minutes.
And then I did a very male sort of reckoning, you know,
I did the calculation, I thought:
"Right, there's three of you ... and there's one of me. "
I'm rubbish at maths, by the way.
But in record time, I worked out that it would take at least three of me
to defend myself against a third of one of them.
even if he only attacked me with his arse.
I'm not a fighter, you know, I'm a bleeder ...
The best I could hope for would be to drown somebody else in my own blood.
If I don't drown myself before.
You know, I'm not very good at ...
dealing with those kind... things to get good at fighting ???
I can't... I don't... I can't even swim.
I can't drive.
I was going to learn to drive recently,
but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?
There are a lot of things I don't do.
You know, because I am saying all this as a man, you know
???? I am a man.
Either that or a woman who's really let herself go.
It's not easy being a man, you know.
Men have lots of health checks and stuff as well as women, you know.
You have to look for testicular cancer, there's nothing funny about that.
You have to look for a lump
in a bag of lumps,
That can take some time ...
Male genitalia is particularly awful, you know, I think when...
... when women were being designed by god or the
team of Italian gay men or whoever is in there ??? ...
It was rather a good day.
Everybody was enjoying themselves, there was some nice wine, some ...
... food around, you know, everybody was having a lovely time, saying
"?????"
"Funny stuff, a secret thing
"A drinks holder ... Get them out there ??? ...
And when men were off to production there was some sort of
double shift deadline late on a Friday night...
... in Warsaw ??? because it was just: "Stick people block, stick stick block there ..."
"Oh, we forgot ??? genitals, bring them back,
"We'll use some of the elbow scrag left over from the women."
"That's fine, that will do ..."
That's why it's so depressing to look at, you know
it's a kind of bagpipes covered in hair.
And they say that after people make love
there's a kind of melancholia that descends;
la petite mort, you know, the little death.
Well, I'm here to tell you, after a romantic night in with yourself,
there's a very acute sensation of failed suicide.
And I think a lot of that,
if you're men is because of the quality of the gear you've got to work with.
You know, it's horrible looking.
Like a deep sea fish that ate it's own arse after about an hour.
What's going on down there?!
Do something nice, you know,
like a "kitten's head" or something...
and you could just tickle it's chin until it got sick...
it would be alright...
You know, I don't want to talk endlessly about genitalia, that's ????
plenty of other staffers who can do that but ...
This stage if it hasn't already,
probably will see a production of the Vagina Monologues.
Which I cannot wait to see, because it sounds so fabulously fucking stupid.
Everybody knows...
that if female genitalia could speak, it would sound exactly like Enya.
I think I might sit down, I've been standing up for too long.
I don't want to make any huge generalisations
about women, you know,
I'm not here to do that, it's — it's vulgar.
But all I'll say is that they have no feelings.
Because it's actually men,
you'll find, who are the far more romantic.
Men are the people you will hear say,
"I've found somebody.
She's amazing.
If I don't get to be with this person, I'm fucked.
I can't carry on,
no, I mean it, she's totally transformed my life.
I have a job, I have a flat, it means nothing.
I can't stand it, I have to be with her.
Because if I don't, I'm going to end up in some bedsit,
I'll be alcoholic,
I'll have itchy trousers. I can't —
I can't walk the streets any more."
That is how women feel about shoes.
And there are times, you know ...
You realize how unfair it is, you know, the gender divide,
with arguments, you know.
Men and women shouldn't be allowed to argue, you know.
People in gay marriages can argue, that's fine, although, you know...
I can imagine ??? there are problems in gay marriages that are
long-standing gay couples, you know. With two guys, one says to the other:
"Are you going to pick up that jacket, it's been lying there for ages. I'm cleaning up around here.
And the other one says: "No. I'm not."
- "Why not? Why should I do everything ??? ? - I'm a guy as well, fuck off ... "
And the typical heterosexual male view of, you know, female gay relationships
is that there couldn't possibly be any problems in them.
There are more than two breasts in the room at any one ??? time, what could possibly go wrong?
If a bill or something arrives somebody might go:
"Oh, this is terrible, how the fuck are we going to pay this? "
And the other would go ???: "Yeah, I know, but look ..."
You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex!
Men are people who have sex BECAUSE they have a headache...
or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!
And the arguments too seem to be unfairly ??? in women's favour,
because I think the arguments are made in different places.
All male arguments are very early 70s, Soviet-made,
uni-directional trundling behemoths
that say the same thing again and again and again:
"I told you I would be late on Tuesday,
I told you I would be late, I said it, I heard my own voice, I did say it...
I told yoouuuu."
Whereas women seem to have these amazing, slinky stealth bombers designed by Jaguar!
With a lovely cream leather interior and infinite torque!
That's why they can respond by saying "Yes,
maybe, alright, but why is the fridge door open?"
"I don't understand, I don't understand..."
There are times, I think, when every man
gets very envious of women, and he wants to be a woman sometimes
just to be able to say the things they say, you know.
I asked a woman I was with once a simple question.
I said: "Have you ever eaten pheasant?"
See, it's direct, isn't it?
It is enclosed. It contains everything that needs to be said!
And she said a wonderful thing.
She said "Erm..." - she thought about it.
And she said: "Er, not really ..."
What does that mean?
On any level?
Did you suck it and throw it away?
Did somebody drop it in your drink? What happened?
Was it a speeding car - one lick? WHAT, WHAT?!?!
Another time I was in a cab, I was paying the guy,
and I was stepping out and I stood on the wrong part of my foot.
I stood on the side, OK?
And I knew I was going to fall ...
And it wasn't going to be a good one.
It wasn't going to be one of those "I have fallen" falls...
It was going to be one of those awkward "Oh, I seem to be falling ???..."
"Excuse me..."
But it was just catnip to her,
she immediately jack-knifed over and said:
"what are you doing?"
"Oh, ??? I was killing time ??? until you got your bag ... "
And I think men get very envious as well of the...
... of the radar, the sensitivity that women have, you know.
'Cause if you say... If a woman, a friend, a girlfriend, wife, a woman friend of yours says:
"I'm just going to go and see so-and-so for... you know, in a cafe, I'll be back in a little bit. "
And when they come back you say: "Well, how was so-and-so?"
they say, "Oh, she is not so good... not so good ..."
"Early onset of diabetes and she's having an affair, which is, you know ..."
"... complex."
"And there is very very good chance she's going to lose her job as well ...
And you say, "What? That's incredible! You found all that out in 15 minutes?
she told you all this?"
"Oh, no, no. She didn't say anything,"
"but she didn't finish her tea."
Which is a good deal more sophisticated than male conversation, you know.
??? the rules of which are very very simple:
It's your turn to talk when the other guy has the drink up to his face ...
When he takes it away again,
he might be on, you know. And you have to stop talking.
And of course, neither of you can listen to one another when the other one's talking,
because you're drinking, and your head is filling up with fluid ...
That's why men who've known one another for 20-30 years,
go home to their wives or girlfriends or whoever is there,
and when they ask: "How is so-and-so?" they go, "I don't fucking know."
- But you were together for 8 hours! - We just had a drink, shut up!
The deal though, the life deal does seem to be very hard,
harder ... for women, really.
You know, because even just physically. If you're born, you know,
as infant you're on your way towards childhood.
if you're a girl, you're going towards pubescence when you're menstruating,
then after that you're on your way towards a full-grown woman
??? you can get pregnant and all sorts of physical events are entrained by that,
and then afterwards when you think it's all over there's the change,
you know, it's like an opera, the masks keep falling to the floor, going:
"Who am I? I don't know. ??? Neither do you. We're fucking nuts. "
If you're a guy, you're born,
you have one finger up your nose, the other one on your penis,
and you get taller.
That's all ...
And when you get to middle age, you know,
I mean Mother Nature gets pretty cruel to everybody.
For men ???? : "OK, I'm going to make them red, and fat, and attracted to ???? clothes he actually doesn't want. "
But for women it's really really cruel,
because, you know, you get to a certain ??? age, there is middle ??? passage, children have left home,
if you have any your husband is alive or dead.
Both are hard ...
You've got bulletproof hair
winters ??? into the garden ... And you begin to ask questions.
And Mother Nature thinks: "What can I do to give this woman some pep, some ??? ? How can I reinvigorate her?"
"You know, to give her something to look forward to between now and death,"
"which she thinks about a lot. What can I do?"
"There's nothing. I've used up all my tricks, the box is empty.
"I'm busy, leave me alone. I can't ... Oh, I know
"I know, wait a minute. I know. A beard!"
"There you go, that's for you, darling ..."
"Don't mention it. That's on the house ... "
You're fucked then. What can you do? Join a folk band? There's nothing left.
Ladies and gentlemen of Dublin, I've really enjoyed it,
I hope you have. Thank you very much for coming, good night.
??? I think it's rubbish, isn't it? All that pretending to go away.
Back there on my knees, going: "Please, justify my childhood!"
Quite ??? pathetic, but ...
It's the summer, as some of you ??? have noticed ...
A lot of you are going to go away,
and I've just come from touring up and down Britain and I've been to some other places,
and you know, it's amazing with accents. It's all ??? how people... you can ??? hear from miles away, you know.
It is very easy to recognize your own kind, really.
Some of the voices are very hard to relax around, you know.
The Cockney I have always found a bit tough,
'cause even if somebody says something nice like: "D'ya wanna cuppa camomile tea?"
You think you're gonna die, you know ...
The one that's the hardest, actually, is the Estuary voice.
What they call the Estuary voice... sort of London ??? towards Essex and going east.
And it's very strange one, it's very boneless, you know,
??? and everything everybody says sounds like they're saying: "No, I don't think I'll take that one,
"I think I'll have the other one, it's a little bit milder ... "
You know that if you hit them, they'd splat ...
But when English people go away, they recognize one another very easily,
you know, they go to France, or Spain, or Italy and
blend into the environment, you'd never know they were there.
They sit there, enjoying the atmosphere, talking to the waitress, saying:
"What d'ya mean there's no fackin' chips,
I come 'ere on a plane, you cunt!
I've got children 'ere, what am I s'pose to do with this fackin' tomato fiasco?
What is that?
You dago fackin'..."
"We're leaving ..."
Americans find it very easy to recognize one another.
Because the voice ??? still tends to carry ...
You'd never have to say to an American:
"I'm sorry, what was that? Come again?"
But ??? with the Irish people there is a thing, there's a phenomenon,
and you see this all around the world, you can go anywhere
go to Los Angeles, or Seoul, or Tokyo or ...
Minsk, anywhere ...
You see Irish guys, and you know they're Irish,
because of a phenomenon called "Irish Hair".
And it looks like this ...
How's it going?
You've been here long, have you?
I've been here for 40 years.
I'm saving up to go home ...
I can't quite seem to get it together, I don't know why ...
Do you want to drink?
Got a ??? half of sandwich in on of my pockets ...
That's it all for me, everybody thank you very much for coming. Good night. Thank you.
Can I get a photograph of you licking my brother-in-law's knee?
For charity ...
OK, big ones, little ones or millions of tiny ones?
-Yeah? -Rick ... Rick, this man... He's upsetting me. Can you ...
OK, that's it! ??? .
Ok, that's it, everyone out ??? - ??? I got what I wanted ...
Transcribed by antsh
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